


Musings of the Mind

by Huntress_ApexLegend



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Little bit of blood, Mental Anguish, Multi, Other, Panic Attacks, why am i like this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27444451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress_ApexLegend/pseuds/Huntress_ApexLegend
Summary: Basically a complication of one-shots or short stories depicting some instances of mental health issues.
Relationships: Bloodhound (Apex Legends)/Reader, Bloodhound/Octane | Octavio Silva, Mirage | Elliott Witt/Reader, Octane | Octavio Silva/Reader
Kudos: 30





	1. Reassurance (Bloodhound x Reader x Octane)

It's not like I 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 to die within minutes of the match beginning, to a rookie of all people. I didn't forget to pick up the wingman, I just knew my aim with it is subpar at best. And the ear full I got from Anita afterwards...

Well, it all adds up to one giant mental breakdown.

I stare into my own reflection, looking for what I know isn't there. Someone worthwhile with people who can't live without me..I guess that's an exaggeration but I'm having tunnel vision. Bloodhound and Tavi rest in the back of my mind, it's the safest place my memories with them can be right now. The memories I cherish so much...but, right now, that doesn't matter. Nothing matters except this disgusting blob in the mirror before me.

She's hideous. Annoying. How can anyone truly stand to be around her, especially after all she has done to disappoint everyone? It's not just the game, no, it never truly is. It's years of anger, misplaced trust and emotional turmoil. All the people who have come and gone so easily, leaving me behind for someone better suited for their needs. And not just lovers either, my own parents can't be bothered with me.

And who could blame them?

I watch the tears streak down my flushed cheeks, I should probably add that they are chubby too. No, fat. And ugly.... Just like every other part of me. In a blind fit of rage I punch the glass and shatter the mirror. A shard of glass cuts across my palm, the wound oozes with blood but my body is just as numb as my mind. 

I stain the white towel a deep red and carelessly toss it on the ground along with the broken shards of glass. I suck in my stomach, ashamed of the chub there even though I take care of myself (y'know, being a legend and all...). I hurry into a stall, the shower room is large but empty, the other girls left hours ago. I only ever feel comfortable showering when no one is around, so they don't have to suffer my pathetic sobs of weakness.

I'm just so tired of being the weakest link, I wish they would cut me from the roster already. But, for some reason only the Gods know, I'm a popular legend. Nowhere near as popular as my lovers, that much is true, but popular enough to be kept around. It sucks, bringing the others' stats down by fighting horribly. I could always resign but Blisk wouldn't hear it when I tried to before. It's all in my head, he said, as if it weren't the most obvious thing in the world to me.

Matters of the mind are always just as painful as matters of the heart and body. And sometimes, very rarely actually, are the matters of the mind wonderful. The memories there aren't all bad, no, but it's hard to see the good when there's fog covering each memory. I'm wading through a swamp of anguished memories to get one sweet moment.

And that itself is exhausting.

Oh well...

I twist the knob to the shower slowly, the cut on my hand burns ever so slightly as I do so. But the rush of water comes out cold, unsurprisingly enough. It doesn't matter to me as I step into the makeshift stall and wait for it to warm up. I hold my hand up and let the blood wash down the drain until it gets too hot to do so. Then, as per usual, I lean forward with my forehead pressed against the concrete wall. And that's when the flood gates open, it's hard to tell the wetness of my tears apart from the drops of water falling around me.

"Anita hates you, just like the rest. Why are you still here?" I murmur to nobody in particular (seeing as I'm alone). "You're garbage, a stain on this planet. You don't deserve to call yourself a legend." I slam my uninjured fist into the wall and let out a howl of agony.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP ALREADY?" I sob harder, it's increasingly difficult to breath with the hot water running in my mouth but....who cares?

I don't even bother with much else, I rub some soap on my body and completely disregard the shampoo I brought with me. And I spend the rest of my time crying against the wall like the pathetic human being I am. I shouldn't even be allowed to be classified in such a way...

I spend another ten minutes growling profanities and insults at myself before there's a quiet knock on the door. And without any verbal greeting I know it's Bloodhound because, even though they are ruthless in the ring, they are notably gentle everywhere else. And then comes a louder, much more impatient, knock and a harsh whisper. That's more than likely Tavi but I don't know how to face them in my current state. 

"S-sorry, I'll be out shortly." My voice cracks, a dead giveaway I've been crying for Gods know how long at this point. 

"The others are gone." Hound's voice is soft, as if trying to comfort me through a casual conversation.

"C'mon, open up. Seriously, they are gone. Like GONE gone, it's just us. We wanna go to the room." I can hear Tavi shifting, his metal legs scraping across the ground are proof enough of that.

"Octavio." Hound reprimands him sternly before whispering something inaudible. There's a brief pause before their voice comes through again, "Please (y/n), open the door for us." I sigh and nod even though they can't see it. I'm helpless to their pleads and they know it...Still, I shut the water off and pick up my previously discarded towel. It takes a minute of searching and Tavi grumbles more but doesn't knock again. Finally, wrapped in a towel and still soaking wet, I slink over to the door and open it slowly. As soon as it's even slightly ajar Tavi slams it the rest of the way open but I can tell he's trying to be careful not to hit me though.

They both stare at me for a moment and I watch their eyes dip down to the blood stain. "Are you okay?" Tavi reaches forward and tears the towel from my body, his eyes scanning over every uncovered inch in search of the wound.

"Vhat happened?" Bloodhound joins the search with a flushed face, they are much more gentle than Tavi is. They run their hands across my thighs and Tavi touches every inch of my forearm. I step back from them and quickly bend down to grab my towel, "It's my palm. Just a..."

And both reach forward, taking one hand in their own before turning it over. Tavi is holding my left hand, the one with the cut, and Bloodhound is holding my right hand. "How?" He raises an eyebrow and scans the room, I can see the understanding wash over his face as his gaze lands on the mirror.

"Let's get to the room and I'll have Che come disinfect it. Please?" I sigh but nod anyways, Bloodhound locks arms with me as we walk off the ship and towards the dormitories. As soon as we're inside I'm being ushered to the bed while Tavi races to the dresser. He tosses a pair of his own basketball shorts my way, along with an oversized t-shirt that belongs to Hound. "I'll be back." 

"Thanks..." As soon as the door shuts again behind him Bloodhound offers their hand. I stand up and toss the towel away for the last time. I slide into the shorts, all the while Hound's head is turned away with their arm extended towards me holding the shirt. Our fingers brush as I take it from their hand and offer them another quiet 'thank you'.

"Is this about the game?" I inhale and exhale slowly, trying to calm the thoughts racing through my mind.

"Something like that." I can't bear to look them in the eyes, it must be so annoying to have to take care of an S.O. like this so frequently.

"It's okay. You do not need to talk." And something about the way they say it breaks my heart all over again. For some inexplicable reason they care, and so does Tavi for that matter. But I just don't feel worthy of their affection, I could never truly deserve them. Either of them.... "Elskan, you have that look. I can't stand to see such sadness in your eyes." Their fingers delicately rest beneath my chin and tilt my head up to stare into their goggles. I notice the rest of their face is uncovered and I smile softly.

"It's just-" The moment is interrupted by the door slamming open, a worried Ajay is trailing close behind a very anxious Tavi. I lean away from Hound and scoot to the edge of the bed as she rolls Octavio's computer chair over to me. 

"Lemme see it." I offer her my hand and turn it over, she examines it for a moment before pulling a small kit from out of one of her various pockets full of medical instruments. She begins suturing the wound, it's still dripping blood and clearly a lot worse than I previously assumed. Tavi and Bloodhound look over her shoulder, watching carefully while ocassionally glancing up to check my facial expressions. Naturally I wince a few times and every single time one of them offers a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder.

"All done, I'll check the bandage tomorrow but it should be fine. No signs of infection and not terribly deep. Just be more careful, ya hear me?"

"Yes, thanks J." She smiles and nods fondly at me.

"Thanks hermana. See you for training tomorrow?"

"You betta be there Silva." And with she's gone, leaving me with only Bloodhound and Tavi once again.

"Vhat vere you going to say before she came in?" Tavi flops on the bed behind us and drags me towards him. Bloodhound watches the scene unfold with curiosity as Tavi beckons them to join our impromptu cuddle session.

"I just feel so helpless, I'm not as good as you guys and not nearly as capable..." They both stay quiet, even though it does take a significant amount of restraint for Tavi. "I feel like I'm going to fail you. And when you've had enough you're just going to leave. Just like my parents, just like everybody else. A-And I know it's stupid," I wheeze, practically sobbing again, "But I'm never going to be enough for you." Hound runs their partially gloved hand through my hair while Tavi works at wiping away the tears.

"Amor, you could never do anything to make us give up on you."

"For once ve agree upon something. You cannot see the person ve do, the person ve care about so deeply." They press a chaste kiss on the top on my head with their slightly chapped lips, "And you cannot decide that you are not good enough for us."

"But we'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it hermosa." Tavi pulls me further up the bed and holds me from behind while Bloodhound rests their head on my chest. I let my arms fall over their shoulders and play with their auburn hair.

"Ve love you, for you. You are perfect the vay you are."

"Forever and always amor."

And for the first time tonight my heart settles down. The fog lifts from my mind and I feel calm, albeit relaxed.

"I love you guys too, so very much."


	2. Why is it me? (Mirage x Depressed Reader)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of panic attacks and all that fun stuff

The prospect of waking up another day just to fail everyone around me is overwhelming. And, if that's not enough, I cannot properly process these emotions that have been compiling in the back of my mind.

'Next time'

'I'll worry about it later'

But it's later and my hands are shaking, my brain is on overdrive. I spiral downwards and hope upon hope that somehow I could just disappear. I'm tired of being a disappointment to those around me, regardless of what they say. The sad sighs and loss of hope is easily conveyed through their eyes, their body language stiff and imposing.

I find myself against the wall, curled into myself and silently beg for reprieve from the demons that constantly haunt me. They plague my mind with doubt and self indulging thoughts of suicide. If death is the only way to silence these thoughts then so be it but anything is better than to constantly be in a state of war in my head. There are some battles we just can't win.

I weep pathetically, my hand covers my mouth just to muffle the sobs of anguish. Every thought is negative, my hands are shaking as well. Although I'm unsure if it's the anger or anxiety causing it this time. 

Of course there's more to life than this, there has to be in order for it to be remotely worthwhile. But where is it? My savior? Or am I damned to eternal damnation within this walking carcass I possess? It's all just so futile to me.

The tears finally stop flowing enough that I uncover my mouth and wrap my arms around my legs. From somewhere in the house there's a quiet 'creak', indicating that a door has been opened. I murmur a prayer that whoever it is doesn't find me so I can continue to suffer in silence. Footsteps get louder, approaching my little hiding spot, so I mindlessly dig my nails into my thighs. The crescent shapes look like angry imprints on my skin, some even have a few drops of blood oozing out.

And then I'm exposed, light floods my bedroom and I have to avert my gaze from whoever is standing in the doorway. "Is it one of those nights?" He asks, his voice a soothing comfort I didn't realize I need.

"No." I blatantly lie and I can tell by the deepening frown he's growing concerned. I stare at my hands as if they are the most interesting things in the world to avoid locking eyes with him again.

"Babe-"

"Don't." I cut him off and inhale loudly, the room is spacious but suddenly feels so suffocating. It's as if every bit of oxygen is gone and I'm lightheaded. I can't see straight or focus as I fall forward. My arms slam heavily into the floor and my forehead follows with a resounding thud. That's when the hyperventilating begins, I should just breath deeply.

But I can't because here he is, trying to help me. All the while I push him away and do what I do best: Disappoint.

"(y/n)..." He kneels down and gently brushes my hair past my shoulder. Then both hands fall to my back and begin tracing circles, "Stay with me. Breath." The warmth of his hands on my back and the smell of his minty breath brings me immediate comfort. I begin to sit up on my knees and let my body fall against his chest, he happily slips his arms around my waist to hold me close. "Inhale...exhale." I follow his instructions and find myself coming back down from the state of panic I was in.

"Can I take care of you tonight?"

"Why do you stay Elliott?" He flinches at the harsh tone I use and lets out a deep sigh. "Seriously, you don't have to deal with this on top of everything else. Between the games and your family...I'm just added stress." I lean back and meet his gaze, his eyes are glossy and nearly filled with a fresh wave of tears. When did he start crying?

"I stay because I love you and it kills me to watch you fall apart." His hands gently cup my cheeks and I offer the same kindness, all the while my thumbs wipe away some of his stray tears. "You're all I really have left that's truly mine. And I love being around you and the fact that you can see 'Elliott' and not 'Mirage' like everyone else...it's special. You're so special."

"I don't deserve you. You could do so much better..."

"Aren't you listening? Please! I don't want it to be anyone else. I accept your flaws and trauma, I will do anything in my power to lessen that burden." I bury my face in his t-shirt and shake my head.

"Why do you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders? I'm telling you I'm more trouble than I'm worth!"

"And I will never see it that way! I love you! I love you! I love you!" He sounds like a broken record, repeating the phrase over and over again. I can hear his voice crack and it begins to fade after awhile. My heart constricts in my chest as if he thrust his hand inside and squeezed it himself.

"Elliott-"

"Please say it back." I let him help me to my feet and we continue to hold each other close. It's as if letting go would mean we'd both float away and never return to each other.

"Of course I love you. I just don't deserve you..."

"I'm not having it. Come with me." He wraps his hand around my wrist and tugs me in the direction of our shared bathroom. I put the toliet set down and sit as he begins running water in the bathtub. All of the sudden I become very self aware of the ache in my head and the burning of my eyes. I sniffle to clear my running nose and sigh tiredly.

"I just want to sleep."

"Just humor me, please?" I nod and he beckons me to stand once again. Piece by piece he helps me remove every article of clothing before taking his own off. He refuses to let go as he guides me into the tub, he gets in first and gently guides me to sit in his lap. I let my head fall to his shoulder as he returns his hand to my back to gently rub it. "It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay, together."

"Elliott..."

"Hush, you know I can't get through this without you." I sigh and nod my head slowly in defeat.

"One day I'll be able to repay you for everything you've done for me." He lets out a quiet laugh and shakes his head adamantly.

"You pay me back every day by giving me someone to come home to."

"I love you Elliott."

"I love you too (y/n), now let's just take the night off and relax."

"Sounds like a plan."


End file.
